Excerpts from an article printed in the July 2009 Mensa Bulletin:
"There are only three things to remember:
1. I will be happy.
2. I will make some money.
3. I will make other people happy.
One hundred percent of the people I saw agreed with the three, but not one of them had the order right! Get them out of order and it will fail, ultimately."
-- Bernard Kitt, Ph.D., psychotherapist's solution to personal problems
"Ignore bullies. If you can't ignore them, beat up the biggest one first."
-- Father to Amy B. Brennan
"My advice to all men is, yes, wash your hands after urinating if that useless gesture makes you feel better by conforming to a mistaken Victorian concept. But please, to protect yourself, wash your hands before urinating."
-- Arthur Belefant on the nature of germs and why you should wash your hands throughout the day
"Help that is not wanted is usually no help at all."
-- Jason Fenwi
Excerpts from an article printed in the July 2009 Mensa Bulletin:
Taking it to the Streets, by Nick Rotondo
Myth #1: Hit him in the jaw with your fist for a knockout punch.
Truth #1: Small hand bones are quite fragile compared to that of the mandible... A much more effective alternative is using the bony gabella - the major bone of the skull that forms the forehead. If it hard as a rock and, if launched correctly, can do great damage. To do it correctly, grab your opponent's shoulders with both hands and aim for his jaw. Because of the spatial illusion, this aiming point will ensure the gabella will strike your intended target, the nose, with a force sufficient to fracture the nasal septum. This will not only cause significant pain to your opponent, but will initiate a profuse flow of blood...
Myth #7: The fist is the hardest attack bone in the body.
Truth #7: Your elbow is a formidable weapon, used far too infrequently...
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
I have no idea if this is true. But it's funny!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available .. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance pack age. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Mrs.
Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with
a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Momma can't help
but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious
of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.
Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the
eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are
just roommates." About
a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be
sure." So he sends his Mom an email: "Dear
Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm
not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, Anthony receives an email
response from his Momma. "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the sugar bowl by
now."
Love,
Anthony"
Funny commercial:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love
mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
----------------------------------------------------
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
----------------------------------------------------
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their
mouth.'
Billy - age 4
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
------------------------------ ----------------------
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7
----------------------------------------------------
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know eachother so well.'
Tommy - age 6
----------------------------------------------------
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
----------------------------------------------------
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
----------------------------------------------------
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4
----------------------------------------------------
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
----------------------------------------------------
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it alot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
----------------------------------------------------
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
http://www.livehealthybywalking.com/2009/05/the-sitting-disease/
Snippets:
In a recent study of 37,000 people it was discovered that sedentary living which is defined as going from bed to car to chair to couch is a very serious health disease.
We are all guilty of too much sitting. Why does this matter? By sitting we are building up a dangerous fat issue called visceral fat. Visceral fat is the fat deep inside your belly, around your internal organs and can causes diabetes, heart disease, strokes, high blood pressure and other medical diseases.
- 30 minute walk every day cuts heart attack risk by 30-40%.
- Women who walked 1 to 2 miles three times a week shrank belly fat cells by 18% in four months
Get rid of “The Sitting Disease” by walking every day.
These have been circulating the internet.
Here's the actual link to the real 45 lessons article, plus 5 to grow on... Here's the snopes entry about them... And a blog post by the author/compiler...
Here they are:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
My Groups
-
Gardening lovers unite! Updated: 6 hours ago
-
Fm802 MTWB Updated: Nov 2, 2009
-
Weekend Snaphots Updated: Oct 18, 2009
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
